Being an adult!

So yesterday I went by the bank to discuss with them on buying land and building a new house! The current plan is to buy my uncle's trailer and the couple of acres that he owns. The land is beautiful, located about 20 minutes from the town of Crozet! My father is really helping me out by going to the bank, looking at designs, and drawing up the paper work. Yesterday was the first step in getting things started. But to tell you the truth.....I'm scared to death about this.
The reason being is that this is the prime example of what being an adult is. To move on, to make those hard decisions, not knowing what can come. You have to ask yourself..."Is this the right thing to do?" I've been asking that for the last two years, ever since I graduated from college. I thought I knew what I was going to do afterwards but plans change and you have to go into a different direction to accomplish your goals! I honestly didnt' know what I was going to do after college. The only thing I wanted to do was to stay in Northern Virginia to be around friends and get that job that I had no clue what I wanted. I didn't think I would be coming back home and having to rely on my parents for the last two years!
But now, with building a home, comes that point of actually realizing that I am an adult. I don't have my own family to raise but it's a possiblity in the near future. It doesn't mean I have to stay in the area for the rest of my life but I'm starting to build a home of my own. It's pretty damn scary for sure! That's what adults have to go through though.....those hard decisions and going through the consequences on your actions.
I have to honest also that there was another adult decision that I made just recently. For the past six weeks, I have been dating a co-worker. Now that may not seem as tragic or controversial as you may think, but the truth of the matter is that she is 31, recently seperated, and has three kids! It's a very complicated subject but I'm not going into detail about it for now. I never expected to date this woman but it happened. We seem to have a connection and I...well, WE....wanted to see it where it would lead us. The truth is that when we faced the certainty of our relationship, she had more feelings for me that I had for her. I didn't know if I could ever have those same feelings for her as she does for me, though I did care for her! So over the weekend, we ended the relatioinship, which was extremely difficult to do, even as an adult.
I hold a secret that I feel I should tell you right now. I have a written journal that I keep that I write in for other moments of my life that I don't want to share with the world. I decided on the first page of this journal that I would write the names of every person that has effected me during my life, both in good and bad experiences. It's a way to help me remember things, events, and those special to me for I worry that I would forget them as time passed on....as I grew older as an adult. I don't want to forget but I don't want to lose both the pain and the passion that I have kept inside. I have a strange empathy for those that I feel have had an impact in my life and I don't want to lose that. So I have decided to write another name down in my journal, because she has had an impace in my life for which I never want to forget.

"I lie silently in the shadows of the world, torn between the morally righteous and the sinfully delighted."

ONLY 12 MORE DAYS!