For the last three days, I have been stuck inside from this recent snowstorm. When being stuck for that amount of time, you do a lot of thinking. Too much thinking can cause you to go insane after a while. I guess that is what this entry is about….my much anticipated insanity. Actually more to the point, it relates to the last entry, about my rant on Valentine’s Day.

In my last entry, I stated that I would not “rant and rave” about the day, but I did anyway. From an anonymous reader, this criticism was pointed out as a comment. However, I will not apologize for what I say. This is my journal and I have the right to say what I want, do I not? My purpose of this journal is let people to get to know me because I know I tend to keep to myself or shut myself off completely at times from most people.

Going back to the point, I wanted to say that I’m angry with the anonymous reader that made the comment. It’s not the fact that this person made the comment, but that the reader tried to hide behind the secrecy of being anonymous. I know for a fact that this reader has made past criticizing remarks with other entries also trying to be anonymous, but never any supportive remarks. I have to ask the reader the purpose for such anonymity when reading my journal?

The first comment made by Billy Bob Baker was honest I felt. That reason being was because I made that comment. I use that name as sort of a rebuttal to myself, or figuratively speaking, I’m kicking myself in the ass over it after realizing that I put my foot in my mouth. I realize it may sound unusual…insane really…but I do it for my personal reasons. I’m sometimes at odds with myself and it’s in this way I can analyze what I said and get over it.

However, from the other comment, the reader tried to be anonymous. What the reader failed to realize though is that they might not be totally anonymous when they make a comment. After making a comment, the reader’s IP address shows up with the comment. I can compare this IP address to Site Meter, a site that records the Domains of each reader that links to my journal. There are a few domains that I cannot narrow down who the readers are, such as aol.com. However, when I know who has what IP address with the domain, I know who reads my journal. This unknown reader is not anonymous to me anymore because I found the domain that they use and I know of one person who reads my journal from that domain, lwc.edu.

Now I may be mistaken by this guess, but I know this person. Actually a young woman, who I had in my life over a year ago, but our paths went separate ways when I ended our relationship in late 2000. I can honestly say that she was my first relationship, my first love. To this day, I regret the way I ended things with her, I regret letting her go, and hurting her. Now that our paths have gone in separate directions, this last year, I had hoped to have a friendship with her just recently. I have tried subtly send messages to her like emailing her a few times to get a dialogue going but it just seems to be that awkward, “How are you doing, How is everybody doing?” talk. I didn’t want to push it too much. I’ve tried other ways just to bring in on my life. I still see her screen name on my AIM, so I hoped if she saw that I had a link to my journal in my AIM profile, she would be curious to know how I was doing. It worked when I saw in Site Meter that her Domain, lwc.edu, was on there. Also, lately, I wanted to acknowledge her birthday by way of my journal and e-card.

So now that I find that she anonymously criticizes me in my journal, I am deeply hurt. When you find that someone that you loved and cared about….and still love and care about….does nothing but criticize your writing, I can’t help but feel angry and hurt. Not because of the fact that you criticized me, but because you try to hide your identity to me. As I think about it I know the hurt that I caused you when our relationship ended may not compare to the hurt I feel now but I know I was wrong when I did that and I still hold that regret. I know that we will never have a relationship again, but I wanted to believe that we could form a relationship out of friendship.

Now that I have completely opened up in this entry, I did not want to hold anything back. I’m tired of holding everything in, tired of the regrets, and tired of not saying anything. I have to ask, for what purpose do you anonymously criticize me? Is that the only reason that you read my journal, to find some to criticize about me and use that to hurt me? If so, you do a great job only because you hide behind a supposed veil of secrecy. I only respect those that have the decency to criticize and rebuke me openly. I still would like to be a friend but it does not seem fair when one of us will do so in trying.

This is ranting and raving and I have every right to do so in my journal.