THE EYES OF A STRANGER


As I walk down the halls,
I see the eyes of a stranger.
The eyes, those beautiful green eyes,
that draw me towards her.
Her eyes sparkle and shine,
like emerald jewels in the sun.
Those eyes that pierce at me,
that go through my heart undone.
As I begin to stare closely,
those green eyes that make me wander.
They seem to stare at my soul,
that wants to cry out for her.
But then an unhappy thought occurs,
as those green eyes brush past me.
The fear of thinking of those green eyes,
never again will I be able to see.

This is one of my own poems that I wrote after graduating high school in 1996. The green eyes belong to a girl that I had crush on all throughout the four years in high school! I never told her though!

Well, I found this online test on my friend Lesa's journal! I figured I would share it with everybody! But I'm sure you won't be that surprised to find out!



Personality Test


Crispy, you're an Observer!

Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types — your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are an Observer which means you are a Discreet / Golden. Your primary sub-type is defined by "Discreet" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Golden" characteristics.

That means you're even keel and don't care about drawing attention to yourself. Chances are you're more than willing to sit back and simply go with the flow. You're a born mediator and get along in most situations by relying on your unusually sensitive intuition.

How do we know all this? How do we know that you're probably not into serious soul searching? How could we have divined that at a party, you prefer to sit on the couch and watch the spectacle instead of being an active participant?

Because while you were taking the test, you answered four different types of questions — questions that measured confidence, apprehension, willingness to take risks, and your focus on experience versus appearance — the primary traits that determine your personality. Based on your responses, we determined your personality type, Observer.

And that's just scratching the surface.

I'm at a bit of impass with a huge decision on my mind as of late! I could use some suggestions or advice on this issue. The issue is about having a home/apartment.
Before and after graduating from college, my mindset was on moving up to Northern Virginia. However, after living at home for the last few years since then, plans seem to fall through with living up to Northern Virginia. It seems to me that the only reasons I want to move up to NoVa is that it is close to friends.
Now that I have a job here near home, and knowing how hard it is to find what you really want in employment, I've given up on the idea of moving back to NoVa. Now since I live at home with my folks, I am desperatly wanting to move out for so many reasons. Now I could move out and in to apartment, but I find that it would be more financially better if I saved up to buy a home. But to buy a house, I would need to save up financially and that means continually living at home! I don't how much more I can keep my sanity while living with my parents!
It was at dinner tonight that my mom actually came up with the idea of buying land and then eventually building a house! But that means even more time to live at home with them.....to buy the land and then save money to build a house! I think the best place to buy land around the area is in a county north of Charlottesville...and near where I work now.....in Greene County! They suggested that I start looking for land there since the rates are so low now!
So what do I do???? Do I wait to buy land and/or a house.....as my sanity and patience slowly disappears while living with my folks? Or would finding an apartment be easier but lose money from paying rent?

Any ideas or suggestions????

Would anybody believe if I said I saw Sissy Spacek eating at Sbarros in the Charlottesville, Fashion Square Mall? I've also meet Mare Winningham, Kenneth Star, and walked past George Welsh!

I realize how futile it is to change the world. Great men have tried to do so but once they leave us, the world is still the same! Generation after generation have done this with great cost and what have they to show for.....nothing! So that leads me to believe that we, as individuals, are insignificant as compared to the world. However, it is there that lies our problem......what we are and what we see ourselves. Mabye if we focused on how we can make ourselves better....to go beyond instinct and raw emotion, to go beyond fear, hatred, and ignorance....we can change. Then if we change, the world changes with us!

I want to change!

Its the first day of school here! Nine months of watching the back of buses, stopping every couple of yards, and the traffic. And the best part of it....you are always late for work! Don't you just love the first day of school!

"I stand in the shadows of the world, for it is my sanctuary from the morally righteous and the sinfully corrupted."

In a meloncholy mood tonight! My softball team lost it's double header tonight.....lost both games! In the first game, I was the DH and only hit once. In the second game, I came in the second half....but only to stay in out field for 2 outs. The game was called on a mercy ruling....meaning that the other team had scored 15 runs in the game!
Also in an meloncholy mood because I am still waiting on a response from a woman that I have emailed twice from Match.com. We emailed each other a couple times yesterday and I thought we had a lot in common! She hasn't written back today! I have been irritated with women these days!

HOUR OF THE WOLF

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
It is the time between the chimes of midnight,
and the first splinter of the morning sun.
Silence and the cold night envelop me,
as I am paralyzed between the dreamless slumber
and the fullness of an awakened consciousness.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
The shadows of the pale moon guide me,
along the still walls of my mortal existence.
In the shroud of the calm darkness,
there lies the simple truth of our being,
that our loneliness is our companion.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
I am aware the passing moments of time,
told only by the turning hands of a clock.
Time slows to a standstill,
with every second it feels like an eternity,
as lifetimes pass beyond the flame.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
I struggle with every moment that passes,
for I lie between the cycle of life and death.
Tick….tock…..tick…..tock, goes the clock
tick…..one moment you are alive,
tock….the next moment you are dead.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
I sort through the past lives that I have once lived,
reliving those memories once thought forgotten.
Images of lost loves and missed opportunities,
flicker like the flame of a candle,
but are soon extinguished forever passing into the night.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
I soon move forward towards the unforeseen future,
of moments unknown and yet to come.
My thoughts turn to personal dreams,
wishing and wanting to bring forth,
all that I desire from this life and beyond.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the wolf.
My mind wanders in sweet ecstasy,
as I begin to drift back to a dazing slumber.
My heart begins to beat slowly,
my eyes begin to close off to the night,
as I fall victim to the silent darkness.

I lie awake, alone, at the hour of the morning light.
The wolf has passed into the dark,
silently howling into the night.
Though the light of day has brought new hope,
I lie in fear of the continual presence,
of being awake and alone at the hour of the wolf.

Written by me....8/20/02

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"You may be one person out of many in this world.....but you are the world to at least one person."

I had a long and fun weekend! Lot's to talk about....so bare with me!

THURSDAY

Thursday night was the first softball games that my team played. It was a double header. It didn't start off that well, when the first batter hit a liner to our shortstop, and the shortstop through it to our first baseman...her name is Lisa. Well, it was so hard thrown that when Lisa tried to catch it, the ball hit her glove but slipped out and her right in the forehead. She had to stand out of the rest of the game with a huge knot that swelled up on her forehead. The other bad news was that we only had 4 women to start off with...and in softball, we need 5 women to play. Because Lisa sat out, we automatically recieved an out when her turn came up to bat.
Anyway it was a double header as I said before. In the first game, I went into play the first half of the game since we had to swap with the other guys so all of us can play. I went 1 for 2 with single. In the second game, I sat out the first half. However, we were really getting our asses crushed. In the second half of the second game, I finally went in.....but...it was tooo late. The other team had scored 10 runs and therefore the mercy rule came into play. I was on deck to hit when the hitter ahead of me hit our last out without scoring. Since we weren't able to score any runs, the game was called on that mercy ruling. I was quite dissappointed!

FRIDAY

Well, the reason I came up to Northern Virginia this weekend was to attend the funeral of my friend's mom at Arlington National Cemetary. It was suppose to be a eulogy at 9:00 at the chapel there and then the service at 1:30! Well, it didn't start off that well! I thought I was going to take 50 from Fairfax all the way to Arlington, but for some odd reason, I took the wrong route! I ended up in Alexandria of all places. I realize my mistake and finally found my way to Arlington.
When I arrived at Arlington, I didn't know where to go. So I walked around around for awhile and I decided to ask a woman that worked with vistior service about the funeral. She said she didn't but walked down to ask another who had the list of funerals at the Cemetery. When she came back, she said that there was no funeral under the name that I was given! I was so confused at that point. She told me to go to the information desk and ask about it.
I arrived at the info desk and asked about the funeral again. The teller also told me that there was no name for the funeral that I was looking for. She then proceeded to show me to the office of funerals. I go in and I see the secretery at the front desk. I tell her what is going on and she tells me that the service was changed to the morning and I had just missed it!! I was so dissappointed that I was not able to attend and to support my friend. I later learned from my friend that they had moved up the time the night before and she didn't want to call me so late that night, which I was out playing softball. I just wanted to say to my friend, Pat, that I am sorry about it and I know it wasn't your fault. Anyway, this brings up the debate I had later in day about getting a cell phone and why it's necessary. However, I will leave that for another moment to discuss.
So after learning the bad news, I drove back to Fairfax and wait to see what happened next. I drove around Fairfax the next few hours waiting until my friend Ginger to get back home from work. It just so happened that went into Barnes and Nobles that I ran into my friend, and one of the three Essex Goddess, Rachel working there! I was surprised to see her that but was glad to talk to her.
Around 4, I left to go meet my friend Ginger at her place in Herndon. She arrives a few minutes after me, sit and talk, and decide that her folks, her and I go out to eat. We eat a nice Italian place called Callabarras. I had the wood grilled pizza, which was good but didn't think it was worth 10 bucks!!! Oh well!
So after we finished eating, Ginger and I decide to go and rent a movie. As we get the car, she gets a call from her friend Jennifer, asking if we wanted to go to Dave and Buster's in Maryland. When Ginger told me this, I was excited by the fact in going because I have never been. I've been told that it is a Chucky Cheese's for adults.
So when we arrive at Dave and Buster', I meet Jennifer and her fiance David. We first go into eat in the restaurant, and get to know the young couple. They seemed to be opposites of each other, David being laid back and Jennifer being open and out there! I had a good time talking to them. During dinner, a magician came by our table and showed us some tricks. It was quite a show that he put on....doing tricks as passing two rubber bands by each other and card tricks. After he left, we couldn't stop talking about what he showed us.
After dinner, we went into the arcade part of Dave and Buster's. I was very impressed with what they had....video games, skee ball, and other little games to win tickets. However, I was dissappointed in the way I had to play video games....using a gard to get a game and I only play three games on one five dollar card! Jennifer, David, and Ginger though played the other games to win tickets for prizes! I think they collected over 8000 tickets, and with them collected a few prizes.
We left the place around 11 and decided to go to Fridays. Apparently, one of their friends was having a birthday party and wanted to wish them that! I didn't know anybody so I felt out of place! We stayed for about 20 minutes, having Jennifer and David say hello to everybody, then Ginger and I left. We then went back to her place, where I stayed the night.

SATURDAY

After waking up...for about a hour really....and getting dressed, Ginger and I decide to go eat and see a movie. We went and saw XXX, which stars Vin Diesel as a Xtreme sportstar turned Secret Agent. All in all, it was an okay movie. It had a lot of action and the corny but good one liners in it. I would suggest waiting for in on video though!
After the movie, we went back to Ginger's place, and I packed up my things and left for my friend Nick's apartment. I got there around 4 and plan was to meet there at 7 with a few friends to go out bowling. Nick and Sideburns (aka.. Steve) were at the apartment already since they lived there. Spiderman Dan...aka Dan....came in and I meet his friend Emily that was with them. At that point, they turned to me about about a 2 part discussion they were having and actually wanted my insight! The first, was my opinion on the movie From Dusk till Dawn. I told them that I liked it and one of the few vampire movies that I thought was good.
The second part to the discussion was about if it was normal for guys to be attracted to their female friends. My answer? I said that it was normal for guys to be attracted to their "girl friends". To be honest for me....I probably been attracted to all my "girl friends" at one point! I hope this doesn't scare my "girl friends" away after reading this. However, if you really know me, I haven't acted on those inhibitions and thoughts because I tend to move on from them....or the fact that I have only been seen as just a friend. That's a whole other story that I won't get into.
Anyway, Dan and Emily left a little later. I was kind of curious to know what the story is those two. However, I was told by Nick and Sideburns that it was topic of discussion that is not suppose to be discussed.
Around 7, Sarah, the second of the three Essex goddesses, arrived with her boyfriend Colin. They also brought Sarah's roommate Rachel, who was new to the area. I'll be honest, I thought Rachel was absolutely gorgeous....and I especially liked her freckles! Now for those that are reading this....ie. the ESSEX GODDESSES.....don't really pay attention to me after saying that! What I say in this journal should stay here.....so there better not be any gossip about me the next time I come up. Besides, there are many reasons why I don't I should persue her....which I'm sure you all would know more. Actually the person who I think needs the help is Nick.....go help him out!
Anyway, I knew she wasn't really comfortable being there....being the new person in the group and the area. I could tell she felt that because I know how it feels too! I tried to get her to open up to us by asking her questions, but I don't think it really helped at the moment.
We then decided to go bowling, which I had a good time. Rachel....the Essex Goddess.....came by later, which I was glad to see come. I was disappointed that the third Essex Goddess, Kristina, wasn't able to attend! But I'm not really angry at you if you are reading this. Anyway I felt that we all had a good time bowling and I was hoping that Rachel....Sarah's roommate....was having a good time with us even though she wasn't bowling with us. We had to finish after our second game when it was announced at 9:30 that Cosmic Bowling would begin!
After finishing, we all went back to Nick's place. There, while Colin played video games, Nick, Sideburns, Sarah, and roommate Rachel played Scrabble! I just sat back and watched! I was never good at playing Scrabble. I was actually hoping to play Risk that night but no body really wanted to play! They always played in college when I was there but I never had the chance to play with them but just once, and I had to leave early though! Well, Rachel....the Essex Goddess...promised me that we would play next time I come up!
Things ended after one game of scrabble and Colin, Sarah, and both Rachel's left! I stayed up with Nick and Sideburns in watching Drew Carey until they were too tired and went to bed. That was it!

SUNDAY

Woke up early and left Nick's place to come home. The trip takes about 2 hours to get home. That's about it for now....we are having family over for dinner tonight.

Well I'm in Northern Virginia for the weekend. I'll be back tomorrow for an update! So Kelly.....be patient! ;)

I always wanted to know if I was crazy or obsessed! I got my chance finally! Here's the site and my results!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

I guess I am eccentric.....since I'm schizotypal! As for being Avoidant.....sounds right! That's why I'm trying to quit! ;)

So I told a couple of people at work about my little story at the Mall and the beautiful girl! After I told all of my co-workers the story, each one of them told me I should go back and talk to her! I might do that....but I couldn't do it this week! Meetings and softball the next two nights and I'm going up to Northern Virginia on Friday for a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. I appreciate all my co-workers and my friends who support and try to push me in the direction of talking to the woman! Actually, one of my co-workers said she might get me "hooked-up"....but who it that is I don't know! I doubt anything will happen. I don't carry much faith in what people say these days! Anyway, if I decide to finally do something, I will tell you about it!!!

To Fanged Fem and "I'm Wierd" ....thanks for the comments and support. I've been craving feedback for a while now. Next time I see you two, I'll give you a big ole kiss!!! Fanged Fem.....you know how to tease me, don't you???? ;)

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

So I go into town today to do some errands and shopping. I decide not to shave because it is the only day I don't need to. I shaved off my goatee yesterday so I look like my 12 year old self as usual. So anyway I go into town, unshaven and I haven't ironed my clothes. I look like crap! My first order of business is to get a hair cut! So I do and I wait for an hour to get it done. Next I go by Sam's Club and eat lunch. YES....I ate lunch at Sam's Club....it has great pizza. After I finish, I buy a couple of DVD's and leave. I then go to the Mall and this is where I ask myself....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I go into the Mall, and I am walking past one of those Jeweler's shops. As I am passing it, there is a woman who is turned away from me and I am curious to see what she looks like. Well, I got my wish! Just as I was about to pass, she turns around and I am directly in front of her. She see's me and I just stand there like a deer caught in headlights!!! She is gorgeous.....long brunette hair, beautiful light green eyes, a face of an angel, dressed in a knee length black dress that shows off her curvaceous body! I also notice she has a tongue stud as she begins to ask me something! ;)

At that moment I knew she worked for the Jeweler shop beause she asked me if I wanted to buy something or get a credit card or credit for jewelery. I don't know what it was! I didn't really pay attention to what she said but I was still in shock that she actual spoke to me. How could I....I was so nervous. I finally said something...which I don't know if it made sense! I think I said that I didn't have anybody to give jewerly to. She then said that it doesn't matter, just so I sign up......which I still don't know what it was!!! I didn't know what to say or do at this point other than babble something so incoherent that I could get away with some dignity. I finally said....Well, let me come back and I'll think about. She then proceded to give me those "Please, pppplllleeeassseee" eyes that have a sparkle in them and say that she needed this! I then proceded to walk away!

After I walked away.....I realized how much of a dork I felt like! I also realized that I haven't shaved so I must look like an escapee, I just had a haircut so I probably have tiny little hairs on me, and probably pizza breathe from eating before! I just can't seem to win these days with impressing or meeting girls/women! Well, I didn't return the same direction to run into her again. I just went by on the other side hoping that she didn't see me! In my head, I could hear myself say that WHAT A DORK!

I tell you, I just can't seem to win! As another example, what's even worse, I can't even get a date through web personal ads. I emailed three woman....two never replied back and one I think doesn't want to talk to me because I asked her if she knew my cousin. Don't ask.....long story! So I ask you, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? I would ask God that question but lately I beginning to think God is a woman and she is playing games with me!

So could anybody....ANYBODY....tell me what the hell is wrong with me????? PLEASE?

Last night I went to see Signs with my friend Kelly. I thought it was pretty decent since it was directed and written M. Night Shamyalan (sorry for the misspelling!). He directed The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. If you seen both of those movies, you know that M. Night has an unusual way of telling his stories. You would know he puts some strange twists and turns in his movies. This one is no exception. This movie takes a twist on the old alien invasion stories...by centering around a lone family. It had it's funny parts and a few "jump out of your seat" moments. I won't give any more away so you are going to have to see it for yourself! I give it a C+ on my scale!

For those who follow in the steps of the Almighty Zardoz, I welcome you to add your comments to his supreme holiness. In other words.....you have the ability to post your comments!

Well...curiosity got the better of me and I decided to take a few of those many....many...online quizs/survey's. Didn't what the hell it was until I took it. I don't know if it fits me!!!! Special thanks to a dear friend who has links to this and many others on her journal. Makes for some good conversation! Dare to find out what you are?

i am



what sexual performer are you?

Well this one explains alot!

you are a book called



what
dr. seuss book warped you?

Okay....now for this...I saw the movie! And it FREAKED ME OUT!!! So strange to be this type but it fits me!!!



What Spooky Being are You?

A CHICKEN!!! I'm a chicken??? I might need therapy after this!



What Obscure Animal are you?

I don't think I would call myself eccentric.....strange maybe....but not eccentric!



What obscure band are you?

Thanks again Lesa for these online tests!

Writing in this journal has been therapeutic for me. It has allowed me to open up, to be able to talk more about myself more than I have before. I don’t know if many people realized this but I don’t talk about myself much or open up as freely as most people do. I hold back a lot of thoughts and emotions that I have towards others and myself around me. I wish that people could know me more than they do. My only reasoning for not opening up is that I was sheltered growing up and didn’t “live” as much as most do. I was inward with my emotions and there were very few people that I felt I could talk to about them.

The subject of this entry is about me opening up and this is what I want to do. I want to get something off my chest and this is the only way I could do it. This month is the fourth anniversary of the suicide of my friend, Priscilla Sulieman.

What you have to realize about me is that I never really had anybody close to me die. The closest thing was my grandfather when I was 7, but I was never close to him. Up through high school, I was so sheltered and unaware of the world that I did not understand death of anybody close.

I meet Priscilla in my freshman year of college, in 1996. She was only 16, being very intelligent rising past some grades in High School. She was also very beautiful, being Middle Eastern and Caucasian blood, with long thick brown hair, olive skin, and big brown eyes. I was thinking of asking her out but she was too young! For the next two school years, I had a few classes and labs with her. She always gave me a smile when I said hello. I knew she would go far.
But I never really hung out with her outside of class as much as in class….which I regretted.

It was in August of 1998 that I heard the news that changed my life. Most of the people I knew from college, including Priscilla, lived in Northern Virginia, while I was here in Charlottesville for summer vacation. I kept in contact with my friend Andy by email, who also knew Priscilla. It was one day that I received news from Andy that Priscilla had committed suicide. No one knew why she did it, and I never found out how she did it. During this time, I was home alone while my parents were away on vacation. I was so numb from the news and did not have anybody to turn to. I was depressed all that week that I was alone….I did not know what to say or think. This was the first person that I knew that had committed suicide.

When I came back to school a few weeks later, I asked around with the others on what happened. No one knew why she did it and how she did it. The school had a memorial service for her at a local church. It was packed when I got there…so I had to stand at the entrance. They had people who knew her best talk about her and prayers. However, I never found out why she did it.

Since then, I wonder if I could have done something to change things. I know it is naïve of me to think I could have changed things. But I wonder if I was some how closer to her, could I have been enough of a friend to help her out. This thought has plagued me since then. I lie away at night, trying not to forget her… what she looked like, her smile, her laugh. But then a morbid thought turns to what happened the day she killed herself. I see her in her bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror, crying her eyes out, and then deciding to end it there. I don’t know how she did it so I keep thinking of the many ways that you can kill yourself. It haunts me at night when I try to sleep. So much that I can’t help but weep sometimes that it puts me to sleep. But I don’t want to forget her.

Since that time, I tried to make the effort to be involved with friends’ lives. I want to be there for anyone who needs help. However, I am conscience of a dilemma that I have made for myself… that is thinking of how much involved in my friend’s lives. I don’t want to push myself into someone’s life because I feel that I would turn him or her off from being a friend. On the only hand, I don’t want to just disappear from the scene and wait for someone to come to me. I worry about being forgotten and then I would lose that friendship. So it has been my solution to barely be visible to those that I have called friends, trying to not do so much or so little with them, by just sending the occasional email or joke to them, saying that I’m still here.

So here is my therapeutic remedy. I do feel better opening up on this. It has been weighing on my chest for the past few years. For those that are reading this, I hope you understand the weight of my story and understand me more. I know some of you have been in this same situation. My advice is never forgetting those close to you. Be there for them, for you never know when it will be the last time you see them.

I just realize what one of my biggest pet peeve's is....when people tell me that I'm "out of the loop"! Now I KNOW that I don't know what is going on most of the time with everybody, including friends....yes...it's called being "out of the loop"! Yes...I like to KNOW what's going on with everybody but I know you are not just email or call me when something big or extrordinary happens in your life! BUT....when people say it in a way that sounds like I'm suppose to know what's going on....it really pisses me off! It makes it sound like I'm an invalid that has no clue what day it is! UNDERSTAND????

I had signed up for softball with my company, who are starting a team, a few weeks ago. Last night was our first...and only....practice of it. We have a co-ed...co-sex...whatever you call it with both guys and girls on the same team. I thought I did fine...throwing, catching, and hitting! But today, when I woke up, the only place that hurts right now is the back of my left thigh! I'm wondering how did I hurt that part of my body??? Anyway, we have 10 games to play for this season and we start the week after next week. If anybody would like to watch me make an ass out of myself....just come and watch!